Inside Voice

We all have a name for that internal dialog that either encourages us or says all of those negative things that we think about ourselves. It is more than the good or bad angel, more the internal editor or critic. I call mine my “Inside Voice.” I see this voice as pushy and sometimes mean. They are like that person that overtalks all of the time and thinks they are all knowing. It was me using a take on what we say to children when they are loud and chaotic, “Use your inside voice please.” Only, it is not polite, gentle or considerate at all.

I reread the blog last night when I could not sleep. I saw so many edits that did not come through before I posted them. Inside Voice was right on cue, “see, you are not a writer.” I ignored them and made mental notes to go back and edit in the morning.

“This looks like a kid wrote it.” I counter with an idea to include a crayon drawing then? Maybe a pretty drawing of a horse like the little kid in me that all of these self-help books talk about? Maybe it is pencil, trauma really started in my early teens and that is what I used then.

“You are a loser, aren’t you?” I start to sing quietly “you’re a loser baby, so why don’t you kill me.” It was just using a lyric to a song to deflect that blow.

“Seriously, you are too old to try something like this. Your brain is broken, you can’t do this.” Maybe you’re right bud, but the rule was that I was going to roll with the imperfections. I was getting annoyed at this self-criticism.

I then remember a moment I spent with a friend this weekend where I talked about trying to find actionable tasks I can do to counter some of these triggers, this anxiety and negative thoughts. I am supposed to say this to Inside Voice when it gets like this, what was it? Ah, right, “Can I shut the fuck up please?”

My humor and what I laugh at is not the same as other people, but it struck me where it needed to. It did not have the same effect when I said it. In the moment it made me smile when he came up with it. I had him record it in his eastern MA accent the next day and last night I played it back. I did it a few times. He does food regulatory stuff and has a more commanding tone. I smiled again. Inside Voice stopped criticizing me.

It was not my friend that was a savior. I entertained the idea of wanting a savior since I asked my now ex-husband to leave. It has taken the better part of 10-years and one hell of a shock to the system recently to realize it is a happy memory and a smile (or belly laugh) that stops that Inside Voice. It is not another person.

Fine, I did fix some of the glaring mistakes first thing this morning. I had to before I could even do my daily PT. Inside Voice was not critical though and I was able to move on from that.

Small steps.

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